Frequently Asked Questions
You have questions. I’ve put the markers down to answer them.
-
A quick black-and-white comedy portrait, drawn in about 5 minutes — but you don't watch it happen. I draw, then comes the reveal, and that's half the magic. It's playful and slightly ridiculous but never mean, on clean minimalist card stock that looks elevated, not carnival.
-
Corporate events, holiday parties, conferences, trade shows, weddings, galas, fundraisers, private parties — plus family reunions, bar mitzvahs, divorce parties (yeah, that's a thing), dog quinceañeras, or just a random Thursday night. If there are people milling around with drinks, I probably belong there.
-
About 5 minutes on average — I'm working on getting faster, I promise. That works out to roughly 12–14 portraits an hour, so the line keeps moving and nobody's stuck waiting.
-
You can see this information on the PRICING PAGE
-
Low-lift. I show up 30–45 minutes early, set up a small clean station, and the entertainment basically runs itself from there — no stage, no microphone, no production plan needed. One recent client put it best: "You honestly delivered more than we ever expected.”
-
No stress. If I am free, I will keep drawing. Extra time runs in half-hour increments, and the rates live on the Pricing page under Overtime & extras. Just give me a heads-up before the clock runs out.
-
I offer pre-printed cards with your logo or event name on them—that's the core offering, and it looks sharp. That said, I won't say no if you ask for something; run it by me, and we'll see what's possible.
-
A 6'×7' box, ideally somewhere visible. You provide the chairs, I provide everything else. If you need me to bring chairs too, we can arrange that —just mention it when you book.
-
Portraits of people are my thing, and pet portraits aren't something I offer as part of a regular booking.
But. If you're planning an event where pets are the stars of the show, reach out, and we can talk about it. And if getting your dog (or cat, parrot, or calm lizard) derped would mean the world to you, let's make it happen.
-
Standard is 5×7 — the perfect "ends up on a desk or fridge, not in the trash" size. Want something different for your event? Ask me and we'll figure it out.
-
Fill out the Booking form on this site — it takes about a minute and gives me everything I need to check your date and send a quote. You could also email directly from the email available at the bottom of my website. BUT PLEASE READ THROUGH THESE FAQ’s first to see if you can find your answer.
-
Whatever works for your event. A casual line forms naturally; I can run a simple sign-up sheet, or I'll coordinate with your planner on a managed queue. You don't have to organize anything — that's my job.
-
Deep breath. Cancelling does not make your money vanish: your fee can move with you once to a new date with reasonable notice. The full policy lives on the Pricing page
-
Somewhere your guests will see me when they arrive — that's how people discover the service, and discovery is what maximizes the fun. Otherwise, sure, tuck me in the corner. I spent a lot of time in the corner as a kid; I'm used to it. Just know some guests might never find me back there.
-
Pay the full fee. Once it's paid, your date is secured. Simple as that.
-
Yes — the 2-hour Social Mixer is the smallest package. Anything shorter, and the room barely has time to discover me.
-
As early as you can, especially for the holiday season (October–December) and wedding season — those dates go first. That said, if your event is next week, ask anyway. I might be free.
-
Not in the way you're worried about. The humour is playful and warm —everyone should feel celebrated, not roasted. But fair warning:
These portraits are DERPY by design. Accuracy is not on the menu. If you'relooking for a flattering likeness, might I suggest a mirror? The artist reserves theright to exaggerate your quirks for maximum comedic effect. If you are easilyoffended, please consult your therapist before participation. Proceed only if youcan handle being immortalized in glorious silliness.
So: no one's getting roasted — but no one's getting flattered either. (Your CEOis safe. Probably.)
-
Nope. Plenty of guests just watch the reveals, laugh, and have a great time without ever sitting down. Watching is half the show.
-
Yes. Travel fees depend on the distance — tell me where the event is in the inquiry form and I'll include it in your quote.
-
A 6'×7' space in a visible spot, a couple of chairs, and decent lighting. I bring everything else.
-
Totally doable — but we need a weather backup plan (shade or tent, plus a rain plan). Portraits and downpours don't mix.
-
In the tragic event that I'm felled by illness, questionable street food, or a dramatic drawing-hand injury, you'll get a full refund and maximum notice. I don't have an understudy — there is only one Derp Master (me), and he cannot be replaced. (This has never happened. I'm knocking on wood as I type this.)
-
At this moment, no. These portraits are totally analogue: no dead batteries, no technical problems, just ink on paper intended to bring fun to your guests. Your guests take home the original, and that's the whole keepsake.